“I don’t know how to sport” – The Anti-Fan reviews: Rugby World Cup FInal

For many, sport is life’s single most interesting, dramatic and exciting outlet.
Unfortunately, not everyone is of the same opinion.
Step forward our Anti-Fan, who has no interest in nor understanding of this concept.
We wanted to change their mind by letting them get some first-hand experience.
Every week they’ll review a different event and allow us to not only see the world of sport through their eyes, but maybe even convert them to the dark side as well!

The Season Ticket Team.

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This week I watched the Rugby World Cup final between New Zealand and Australia. This game was a big deal, the winner would claim the coveted title of ‘Best at Rugby’.

New Zealand’s All Blacks took to the field, lined up, and performed The Haka, a jaunty dance routine that looked like a scene from Step Up, if the entire cast were furious giants. I was impressed, it was a solid 7/10 performance, they lost some points because none of them spun on their head to a RUN/DMC remix like they do on the X-Factor.

The Australian Wallabies didn’t have a dance routine and instead awkwardly stood there like the shy kids at the teen disco who couldn’t smuggle any WKD in.

The whistle sounded the kick off and Bernard Foley of the Wallabies hoofed the ball, his mighty Beyonce-grade thighs sending it hurtling downfield. The two teams charged after it and crashed into each other like meaty battering rams. This was the point that I realised the tackles in rugby are more violent and brutal than a Game of Thrones season finale.

6 minutes in New Zealand were awarded a penalty kick, because Australia’s David Pocock stuck his hands in a ‘Ruck’, which is a sort of heaving man-pile with a ball in the middle. Dan Carter of the All Blacks lined up the ball and kicked it, sending it hurtling between the goal posts and scoring 3 points.

This was good, points are how you win.

This brings me to what confuses me about rugby, there are far too many ways of scoring points. They all basically revolve around getting the ball (Object A) to the goal line (Area B), but just how you do this can completely change the name and overall impact of this act. Not dissimilar to sex, when you think about it.

At 38 minutes Conrad Smith catches the ball and sort of plops down into the goal-line with it, demonstrating the second way you can score in rugby, a ‘Try’. A try is when you cradle the ball like a protective parent handling a baby, dash past the opposing team and then slam the ball into the ground like an awful parent handling a baby.

Yoda from Star Wars once said ‘Do or do not, there is no try’. Yoda obviously didn’t play rugby, he was too small. If anyone in Star Wars did play rugby then it was probably Chewbacca.

Immediately after scoring the try New Zealand get to attempt a ‘Conversion’, a third way of scoring in rugby. I was getting a bit stressed trying to keep up with all these different ways of winning points.

Some time passed and just when I thought I had all the ways of scoring figured out, the All Blacks do a ‘Drop-Goal’ which is yet ANOTHER way of scoring.

At 80 minutes the match ended, the All Blacks were declared best at rugby, beating Australia 34-17. I was very happy for them.

All in all, rugby is fun to watch but a bit confusing. However, if you like watching 80 minutes of meaty man-thighs rippling then rugby is the sport for you.

Anti-Fan

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