Anti-Fan Reviews: UFC 196

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This week I watched Conor McGregor and Nate Diaz have a fight.
MMA, or Mixed Martial Arts as a sport is a bit like live-action Tekken, except without all the robots, bears and ninjas.
The sole aim of MMA is to beat your opponent until they reassess the life choices that lead them into their current situation.

An MMA match is relatively straight-forward, it’s a one-on -one fight between two brawlers modelling the latest in swimwear and hyper-defined muscle fashion.
They clamber into the ring (referred to as a cage, octagon, or thunder-dome) and hit each other until one of them loses higher brain function/ feels that they’ve had enough rough treatment for one day.

The fight was between red-bearded fight-goblin Conor McGregor, and craggy-faced scowl-master Nate Diaz.
McGregor had to put on weight to fight in this match. He did this through a grueling training regime, as opposed to going through a messy break up and comforting himself with Ben & Jerry’s, which is how I’ve put on weight in the past…

Sharon. You hurt me bad.

The two opponents were a divisive pair.
McGregor is renown for being a right annoying shit to his opponents in the build up to the fights. Diaz specialises in being a vegan, making him the only man in MMA more obnoxious than McGregor.

The match started with the two men sort of dodging around each other with fancy footwork clashing like two slabs of beef in a cement mixer. McGregor proved that he was good at punching by punching Diaz so hard that his face started bleeding.

Smart, vegans are scared of blood.
That’s why they inflict their joyless diets upon themselves.
Diaz absorbed McGregor’s assault, walking through his punches and striking back with his own devastating blows.

The round ended with the fighters kind of rolling around, entwined on the mat in their tiny shorts and I started having some strange new thoughts.

The second round commenced and McGregor misses with a big spinning kick that looks like something Tekken 3’s Eddie Gordo would do when you mash the X and O button a lot.

Diaz ramped up his offencive and made mincemeat, or rather Quorn imitation mincemeat, of Conor. He caught the tattooed punch-monkey’s leg and brought the fight to the floor, pummeling him relentlessly.

The fight ended with Diaz choking McGregor into submission. McGregor tapped out and a referee rushed in to tell Diaz that he could stop throttling his opponent now please.

McGregor was defeated. I felt a bit bad for him, other than being good at fighting, bragging about being good at fighting was his favorite thing in the world. The only consolation he had was the mountain of money he was being paid for simply turning up.

Diaz looked happy enough, or at least whatever a vegan’s soy-imitation of happy is, I think it’s called ‘Smugness’.

 

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