The Andy Fan: Why Barcelona must sign Andy Carroll

Suarez! Messi! Neymar!

Each week, the loyal Catalonians gather at the Camp Nou to bask in the glory of this tremendous trio. Many claim that this is the best attacking triumvirate to have ever graced the same pitch.

And one would be hard-pressed to disagree with such a statement;

  1. Messi – the diminutive Argentinian will one day go down as the greatest player to have ever kicked a ball. What this tax evading introvert has managed on the pitch will never be forgotten.
  2. Suarez –The flesh-hungry Uruguayan is in my eyes the perfect striker. An unrelenting lust to inflict pain on opposing defenders. Tenacity, skill, creativity: the list of superlatives is never-ending.
  3. Neymar– the uber-stylish Brazilian who could buy and sell you as good as a gypsy. Highly tipped to one day enter the argument alongside Messi and Ronaldo as one of the all-time greats. A class act but a notorious sauce coward.

Yet despite having such a wealth of attacking options, Barcelona are no longer in the Champions League. They still sit atop La Liga, but are level on points with Atletico Madrid, with Real Madrid lurking in third place only one point behind.

Having been so comfortable for so long one has to wonder what has happened Luis Enrique’s men? Why have they capitulated? Why don’t the win every single game they play?

The answer is simple….they lack a plan C!

A plan Carroll!

If this Barcelona side really want to be remembered as one of greatest teams of all time, they have to sign up the Barnstorming Geordie.

Carroll could bring to this side something no one else on the planet could offer. This Barca team have been found out for what they are…cowards.

They need a leader, they need a target man.

Since the dawn of time no team has ever been unbeatable….. If Barca sign Carroll, mark my words, history will be made in front of our very own eyes. The dominance shown by Carroll in his past five matches is equal to, if not better than Messi in his prime.

No defender on the planet can live with him when he’s in this form. Ask the Coward Gabriel.

Ronaldo has his tricks , Messi has his magic , Suarez can finish better than anyone on the planet, but not one of them can head the ball and have the craic as well as Carroll.

Against Manchester United, despite not scoring, Carroll showed that he can provide as well as score. His delicious headed assist to James Tomkins showed vision unrivalled by any other centre forward in the league. No one else could have made that pass bar the Gateshead guzzler.

Against table topping Leicester, despite not starting, Big Andy turned the game on his head. Carroll was the only man with the stones to take that penalty. Not for the first time in his life, Carroll was the genius who stood head and shoulders above the rest.

Finally, Andy’s effort last night against Watford was as fine a goal as you will see all season. As stealthily as a fox, Carroll galloped past the steely Watford defence to miraculously toe-punt the ball into the top corner of the net.

This was a finish of such quality that the goal of the season trophy has already been packaged and addressed to the northerner’s luxurious London PAD. All it needs now is a stamp.

People say that what a true world class defender fears most is speed. Horse manure!

The fear Carroll puts into a defender is incomparable to any emotion ever experienced by man.

Carroll is bigger than you. Carroll is stronger than you. Carroll is better at heading than you .Carroll is a better drinker than you. Carroll could have your woman in a taxi home with him before you’ve even got to the bar. The man is a freak in every aspect of what he does. He is one of a kind.

If Barcelona really want immortality they need to break the bank on the big man. Money comes and goes but a legacy lasts forever.

When I look at Messi I see a swan. So elegant, so graceful, so stunning to watch.

When I see Suarez I see a hyena. The ultimate scavenger, constantly biting at his opponents,before feasting on his hard work in the most violent of fashion.

When I see Neymar I see a sauce coward.

Andy Carroll would beat the head off him in a chipper before being applauded for doing the right thing.

But when I look at Carroll I see real beauty, an untamed beauty. I see a unicorn.

People say they don’t exist, but it is only when you see it in the flesh that you become awestruck by the majestic beauty of such a regal beast, aware that this is the last of his kind.

When Carroll retires, his species will be declared extinct.

Andy has already proved he can adapt to the cosmopolitan lifestyle of London. He is ready for a new challenge, he is ready for Barcelona. Big changes are going to happen this summer. John Smiths is going to be replacing San Miguel; steak and kidney pies will be the new tapas.

The Andy Fan


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